A little bit of my childhood just died

Jerry Bruckheimer
Nicolas Cage
The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Which of these things is not like the other? Well, duh: Mickey and the dancing broomsticks.

Now I hope you're sitting down and have some anti-nausea medicine near at hand, because here it comes:

Disney has hired Jerry Bruckheimer to produce a LIVE-ACTION remake of The Sorcerer's Apprentice starring Nic Cage. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Seriously, why? Was Mickey not getting it done any more? And why, for the love of God, did Disney actively seek out two of the least talented guys in Hollywood to attach to the project? Iger: "Ooh, I know: let's hire a couple of no-talent hacks to butcher one of the most iconic golden gems of our entire back catalog!"

I mean, really: has Nic Cage ever done anything where he didn't look like your slightly retarded uncle? There have been 4 or 5 movies that would have been pretty good except for him, and at least 2 that would have been freakin' awesome, but the guy couldn't even pull off a role where his CG head was on fire.

And Bruckheimer, the Michael Bay's co-purveyor of high-gloss saccharine cocksweat? Maybe he can work in a number of explosions with Nic Cage walking calmly away with slo-mo helicopters in the background while scantily-clad ladies fawn over exotic cars.

To make matters worse (as if!), the whole hack-up is being directed by a guy whose greatest claim is the 1993 Cool Runnings (unless you count 1992's 3 Ninjas).

And now the whole torturous mess is taking out bystanders in New York. Which brings up an interesting question: where was the car-chase scene in Mickey's version? I don't remember that part.

I am so sad. Please, Disney. Please stop.