Wednesday, March 24, 2010

sigh...

So now it's been a year. Tomorrow will mark the anniversary of her death, but today marks the anniversary of our last conversation. You'd have to rewind all the way back to March 7 to find the anniversary of our last embrace, and somewhere in the middle of that is Alastair's last
physical contact with his mother.

Last night I found several old videos that I'd forgotten taking. They covered Alastair's birth, our first overnight trip with him, and one perfectly serene video of them gibbering at each other.

To say that I was upset would severely undersell the sentiment. I'm very good at repressing memories and emotions, but when they well up, they do it with a vengeance. And now, for the first time in a long time, I feel lost again. Rudderless and alone.

Tomorrow Alastair and I are taking the train to DC. We're gonna distract the hell out of ourselves with trains, subways, museums, rich food, friends, and swimming. Then Friday we're coming back after doing EVEN MORE museums.

Saturday I'm running the Ukrop's Monument Ave 10K in Amanda's memory. A number of truly fabulous people have contributed to my fund-raising efforts (and you can, too!), and a bunch of folks are also running in her memory.

I'm touched and deeply grateful for all the support and prayers of the last two years. I'm grateful to be super busy at work. I'm grateful for my boy and all the joy he brings me. I'm grateful for 14 1/2 years with a beautiful, smart, sassy lady.

Miss you, 'Manda.

11 comments:

Cindy said...

You have a lot of hearts with you Adrian.

Anonymous said...

<3

Jeremy Feist said...

Oh christ...A year already? That's not an anniversary you want to think about...Sorry. You're a lot stronger than most people could ever hope to be. Good luck.

Nicole said...

All I can say is that you know I love you.

Lizzie said...

(((hugs))) for you and for Lil A. Thinking about y'all today.

MelodyLane said...

I hope your trip is awesome and wonderful. There are a lot of people thinking of you and little man today.

Kolby said...

I thinking of you and Alistair today, Adrian. Have lots of fun in DC, and make wonderful new memories.

I know I, for one, will never forget Amanda and her amazing strength and humor. Thank you for staying in touch and sharing so much with all of us.

Jadine said...

I've tried typing several things and end up backspacing and starting again. I guess there are no words to express how myself and so many others loved, appreciated, were inspired by, were awed by, cheered for, prayed for and wept for your beautiful wife, Adrian. I think it's safe to say that all of the Pajibans, including myself, are holding you and Little A in our hearts today.

Positive vibes are being sent your way more than you know.

<3

blackbird said...

Thinking of you guys and your lady today.

As heartwrenching as those videos are...they are precious and it's so great that you've got them.

I'm raising a glass to Amanda tonight.

Evelyn Louise said...

So I avoided your blog today until now (8:20 p.m.) because I wasn't sure if I could stand reading it. I know people are expecting a blog out of me today and I just don't think I can do it. I did post on Facebook a couple times and will do so again before logging off for the night.
So glad you and the boy are in D.C. taking in the sights. I'm sure he is having a big time of it and I can't wait to see pictures. I hope he's coming to church Sunday so I can ask him about it and hear it first hand.

I miss her. A lot. Every day. Everytime Ella does anything or I have a question...or Jeff and I have a disagreement...I want to call her.

You know where to find us if you need us.

replica said...

Thinking of you and your whole family, and I send my best wishes to you for your run this Saturday.