Friday, February 26, 2010

What my mom did

I feel like I've told this story here before, but in my 18.3 second search of previous posts, I couldn't find it. Seems a bit bass-ackward that I'd spend more time re-typing than searching, but that's how I roll.

So last year, a week after Amanda's memorial service, my mom had her annual Easter party. She does it up pretty big, with Easter egg hunts, tractor rides, horse rides, play-fishing, and other random "only at the farm" events. It was fun for us in '08, and was the last event we did as a family with Alastair before the hospitalizations began.

I told her we'd try to make it, but after mom's arm-clenching at the service (she wouldn't let me out of her sight for almost an hour after the service was over) I just didn't want to deal with her. So we went to the Monument Avenue Easter Parade instead. It's fun and decidedly less stressful.

See, mom tends to make everything about her. Last summer--oh goodness, I guess now I mean summer-before-last--when she came to visit Amanda in the hospital, my dad was there. Mom didn't feel like she got the personal attention SHE deserved, so she left. The day after Amanda died, I called to share the bad news, and she boo-hoo-hooed for several minutes on end about how much this affected HER. How upsetting it was to HER. Then she showed up at the airport after being expressly asked not to, and made me drive her weepy self all around the airport parking lot because "in her sorrow" she'd forgotten where she parked.

And did I mention she was high at the service? She's been high for every service we've both attended for, well, probably all of my life. She was high at her dad's, high at her mom's.

Anyway, I didn't want to deal with her fruitcakery on Easter. BFD, get over it.

So when we got back from the parade, I called to apologize for not coming. I got a 20-minute lecture on how disappointing it was that we abandoned her on her biggest day of the year. Mind you, Amanda had been dead for less than 3 weeks. Then she hit me with the big 'un: "You know, you're lucky Amanda died so you'll never have to know the pain of divorce."


Ok, seriously?


We haven't spoken since. Now, that's not exactly abnormal for our "relationship". Several times we've let almost a year pass without communication, but I feel no desire to ever speak to her again. Every time we speak, it's poison to my soul.

Amanda and I had long-since agreed (actually before Alastair's birth) that mom would never have unsupervised time with Alastair. Her lies are so thick and told with such sincerity that they were hard for me to unravel--I will not have that pain inflicted upon my son. In the wake of such a charming encounter, I see no reason for her to ever be allowed to speak to him. Supervised or not, her presence is toxic.

I resent my mother.


Meggrs (Pajiba reader) said...

She's off the rowboat. If she can't be supportive of you, it's perfectly acceptable to cast to her the sea to drift away on a piece of floating wood, far from where she can hurt you and your boy.

You're doing the right thing.

lordhelmet said...

Even though I only see one side of the story here that conduct is so mindboggling that I couldn't agree more with your decision. And if she wonders why, sit her down for a facts of life talk that spells out non-negotiable conditions for her to have contact with you and Alastair ever again.

It's a shame the son has to be the grownup. Be prepared for when Alastair starts asking about her sometime though.

Eden said...

What the ever loving fuck? Yeah - that woman sounds like poison - you have enough hurdles don't let that sick woman be another one.

Whorish Mouth said...

What's unfortunate is when you come to that point in your life where you have to make the decision to continue on an unhealthy and damaging relationship (or lack thereof) or let go and finally break ties with that toxic person. I've had to do the same thing, and it's never easy. I miss my dad, but the man that he is today is not the dad I miss. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision, but then he always does something that solidifies my feelings on that.
I can't tell you anything you don't already know about this situation, but from the sounds of it at the very least cutting ties (even mostly) with her is probably the best thing for your and Alastair's mental health.
Best wishes for you both.

Cindy said...

Seriously, this has my mother-in-law written all over it. We won't leave Matthew alone with her either. Sorry you're having to deal with so much in a year's time.

Boo said...

Wow. Your mom sounds like a piece.

A huge lesson I've learned this year is that just because someone is family doesn't mean they have your best interests at heart. Especially if all they can see is their own interests.

Someone said that very thing to my mom after my dad died, and my brother punched them in the face. He said it felt pretty good.

Hugs, Big A. Big big hugs.