So where am I these days? Still struggling at times. I've started purging again. Last week I completely filled my dumpster with abandoned crafting materials, clothing that was inappropriate to donate, and random objects that had no particular significance. In doing so, I stumbled upon some boxes of clothing that I didn't know about, and within one of those boxes was her scent. Her pre-cancer scent. Or so I believe. Was it real, or did I just want to find it so badly that any smell reminding me of her would suffice to fool my brain?
Then a couple of days later I did it all over again, discarding a plethora of skin-care products, her nail polishes, expired medicines, and old sheets. Once again the dumpster is pretty much full, and it looks like absolutely nothing has changed in the house.
I cry less, and Alastair has really been asking a lot of questions. He made a new friend a couple of weeks ago and asked if Andy loves Amanda. I told him that Andy never met Amanda, but that he loves his mommy. It was a tough conversation to have, and more recently he's been telling me that I'm not allowed to die. Kid's going through some pretty tough emotions right now.
I overcame one of my stupid mental blocks and decorated the house for Halloween. Not as all-out as in some years past, but we put out a bunch of skulls, candles, and even a few lights (in his room).
Tomorrow I'm taking the day off to spend with him. We get far too little time together, so I'm super excited about it. Then Saturday will be hell-day at work, followed (hopefully) by heavy consumption of alcohol.
Hope everybody has a great weekend. Go squeeze your kids, your spouses, or your favorite pet. Except fish.
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