Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas @ 9 Months

Today is Christmas. Today is the 25th. Which means it's another month-iversary of Amanda's death. We're at 9 now, and my emotions have been all over the place recently.

Amanda was really big on Christmas. This and Halloween were here ab-fave holidays. Decorating, listening to silly music, the electricity in the air, and watching the mirth of a child shredding wrapping paper were things I know she looked forward to every year. And while I've felt lost in preparing for this day, there have been times when I could swear she was standing right behind me this week.

Alastair really started talking about her a lot a couple days ago, and hit me with a big discussion of death last night. He asked me if she would be here today, and we both started crying. Then we got into what death means (again), and I told him (again) that everything dies, that all animals and even the kitties will die. "Even Vivienne?!" "Yes, even Vivienne." Flood-gates: open.

He sobbed openly at the prospect of Vivienne dying, and we laid on the floor for about 10 minutes just talking about life and getting old and trying to stanch the flood of tears. I tell ya: losing a parent may be pretty bad, but losing that cat? End. Of. The. World.

But we opened gifts today, and all was well. He got a Leapster, a bunch of cars, some Lego's, a Geo-Trax train, and other oddments, and is in absolute heaven. I'm sure Amanda was watching him today, and I'm sure she couldn't be prouder of her little man. I just hope she's proud of me, too. I'm tryin'.


replica said...

Merry Christmas Adrian!

I'm weeping a little bit too, reading this. I've been thinking it's hard to be the toughie who says 'no', and yet that's not the hardest it could be.

I also have the talks about death with my kids - there's been many in my family for two years straight, just one more and one more and more upcoming...but, not one has been mom or dad. A pet dying (as a concept or reality) seems to be easier to come to terms're not talking about a foundation...more of a personally forged emotional bond that the child can be proud of making. A parent is like...well like losing 'the ground' or 'the clouds'. Too immense to conceive. Especially for a little one.

You're doing an amazing job, I cannot say this enough.

Xtreme said...

Happy Holidays AA. I agree with Rep, you're doing an amazing job, and I'm sure she'd be proud of you.